Barry Manilow writes the songs – dammit.
Normally it’s dogs. However, I have heard more kids on conference calls this past week than I have the entirety of my 34 year IT career.
Therapist: Now, what do you do when you get anxious? Me: Walk confidently to the beer fridge. Therapist: Uh, no.
The most important thing I learned from my first marriage is separate blankets on the bed.
I am going to be seriously pissed if the world ends and I did all this therapy for nothing.
When all this is over, feel free to continue staying six feet away from me.
Ladies, if you are over 45 and looking for someone who is dedicated, devoted and loyal, I have toilet paper. And a bidet. Just saying!
I guess us homebodies have been flattening the curve all along.
A microwave really only needs two buttons: popcorn and +30 seconds.
Seriously, remaking Purple Rain is NOT a tribute to Prince when you do it as a country song. Just stop.
Therapist: Let's try this again. What do you do when you get anxious? Me: Make a blanket fort so I can hide from civilization. Therapist: You have learned nothing...
Go ahead, I know you secretly want to say “hamster butts” out loud. Just make sure you are muted if on a conference all.
Speaking of things to say out loud, isn’t it fun to say moo goo gai pan.
Now that I don’t have to deal with people on a daily basis, my anxiety is way down.
Sometimes I look at Instagram on my phone. Sometimes I look at Instagram on my computer. In these times you have to mix it up!
At least when my mom asks if I have a new girlfriend, I can say “coronavirus!”
Therapist: One last time. What do you do when you get anxious? Me: Make a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup the size of a large pizza. Therapist: Sigh...
I am smoking a pork shoulder this weekend which means I am going to have a pig ton of pulled pork. Time to get creative. I will not be broken.
I guess now is not the time to go out and recruit minions to facilitate my evil plans for taking over the world.
Be smart; be safe!