I like to think of myself as an ordinary person, but I am not. One reason is there is no such thing as ordinary. As a society we feel like we must define things as normal, but there is not a bell curve that sums up values, beliefs, orientation, life experiences, expectations, mistakes and so on. In fact, the bell curve is likely less a curve and more a shallow, almost imperceptible, bend in an otherwise straight road.
We are programmed throughout our lives to be someone’s definition of normal, when most of us are anything but. Thus, it can be a chore to understand who you really are.
In 2013 I was diagnosed with anxiety. That is 51 years of living without understanding that I was and will always be neurodiverse. For 51 years I was masking; often passing myself off as something I am not; trying to conform to the definition of normal.
Think of that for a moment… 51 years, plus ten more, of doing things because that is what a normal person was/is expected to do. My actions and emotions governed more by what I thought people expected of me than how I really felt.
When I asked myself this morning, “who am I,” I have to say I am not sure. I waver. Am I really this person or is it just a persona? How many different personas do I have? Which of those personas is real and which ones are just masking?
It is a tad frustrating.
Here are some things I do know:
- I like projects and building things as long as they go at my pace. If progress slows, my interest wanes.
- I think trees are cool although I cannot not reliably point out what species is what.
- I love listening to music. Just sitting and listening to music. But only if it is without interruption.
- I write a lot more than I publish. The online culture today makes me wary of having an opinion or a thought.
That is not a lot, and it certainly doesn’t sum up a person. But it is a start of a journey where I hope to discover what my normal is.
Jamoosh Interrupted 